Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize