Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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