Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
