I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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