I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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