The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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