my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
