you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
