I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
