apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
