I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Its about making memories worth repressing
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
