guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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