$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
