sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We have so much sex to catch up on
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
