So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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