I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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