Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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