dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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