I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
