does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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