i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
