she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
