that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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