when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
