Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
