i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
