drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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