she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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