She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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