she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
