I think my fart just growled at me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
