He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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