I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
