what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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