I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Less talking, more tequila
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
