i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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