I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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