I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize