i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
