Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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