It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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