The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
