If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize