I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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