just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
