you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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