that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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