so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
