The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
