Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
