so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
