Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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