The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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